It's not like there was actually SOMEBODY out there who waited for this little update,
lol seriously.
But it's been like what? Two months already? Two months since the last time I posted anything in this little sanctuary of mine. I'd like to make an update for myself. Of course. Because I'm self-centered, I like drowning in my own puddle as much as I can't get myself out of it even if I'm hardly breathing within, so yea,
So what I had been doing for these past two months, mostly includes, wait for it: a thesis. Yes, you are allowed to laugh.
2018 is basically my second chance to start over with my messy depressive unproductive crappy life of failure last year, so, yea. What I can finally say now is, my thesis is done.....poorly. But it's done, that's like thousand times better than an undone one. I'm not quite proud of it, I know I could've done better but seems like 2017 devil still lingers over my body so, yea.Wait, you're right. I'm blaming a failed responsibility to another fictional creature my head just made, nice. Nice, old victim-player, me. Oh I hate you so much
I also happened to pass my undergraduate thesis defense on June 28th 2018, safely. And hereby I attach a picture of ugly me, awkwardly holding a pot of pretty flowers with a super runny nose, blotchy face, freshly out from the toilet after throwing up a-year-grudged anxiety within, and a happy smile.
Okay, enough with the unpopular story about my thesis. Before I lost interest in this update, I just want to tell you that it's July. My hell starts with this month last year, and my life feels on its verge back then. Oke ini alay, but whatever, I'm tired of hating myself for being alay all the time let's just grimly accept it for now. Well, in case you haven't noticed, that is why I put that the deathanniversary on the title. July 10th 2017. I know it's nonsense, I'm secretly hoping it is, but these days were not my best days.
I'm haunted.
Funny enough because the one who's dead was me, so, what? Did I haunt myself? I don't know. Don't ask me. I don't know. This time I don't know how to turn off the switch when I'm going bad. This time I can't even use Arashi as my happy pills. This time I'm fkd up. Delicious, mmm. Old friend.
Look at me. So emotional already. Am I even an INTJ? I'm 100% sure of my I N and J, but somehow my T is drunk most of the time that F takes over its place. What am I even talking about?
I gotta stop being an icehole to my beloved friends and accept life and move on from grief and strive the best version of myself and shake off the devils on my back and be fine and be decently functioned and alive. I know, life is fair because it's unfair to anybody, which is stupid because why wouldn't it choose to be fair to anybody and be eventually fair in pleasant way. Of course it's only came from a fainthearted loser like me who's so weak at handling life and constantly make up lies to balance things around. And God hates me. I don't deserve love, why do nice people keep giving me one when I can't even give them the same. Oh I hate you.
I'll probably delete this post in the morning if my T thinks it's way too cringey, I know.
I GOTTA MOVE ON FROM GRIEEEEEEEEEEFFFFFFF I NEED TO BE PROPERLY FUNCTIONED PLEASE LET ME LIVEEEEE
Half-alive,
L.
lol seriously.
But it's been like what? Two months already? Two months since the last time I posted anything in this little sanctuary of mine. I'd like to make an update for myself. Of course. Because I'm self-centered, I like drowning in my own puddle as much as I can't get myself out of it even if I'm hardly breathing within, so yea,
So what I had been doing for these past two months, mostly includes, wait for it: a thesis. Yes, you are allowed to laugh.
2018 is basically my second chance to start over with my messy depressive unproductive crappy life of failure last year, so, yea. What I can finally say now is, my thesis is done.....poorly. But it's done, that's like thousand times better than an undone one. I'm not quite proud of it, I know I could've done better but seems like 2017 devil still lingers over my body so, yea.Wait, you're right. I'm blaming a failed responsibility to another fictional creature my head just made, nice. Nice, old victim-player, me. Oh I hate you so much
I also happened to pass my undergraduate thesis defense on June 28th 2018, safely. And hereby I attach a picture of ugly me, awkwardly holding a pot of pretty flowers with a super runny nose, blotchy face, freshly out from the toilet after throwing up a-year-grudged anxiety within, and a happy smile.
Okay, enough with the unpopular story about my thesis. Before I lost interest in this update, I just want to tell you that it's July. My hell starts with this month last year, and my life feels on its verge back then. Oke ini alay, but whatever, I'm tired of hating myself for being alay all the time let's just grimly accept it for now. Well, in case you haven't noticed, that is why I put that the deathanniversary on the title. July 10th 2017. I know it's nonsense, I'm secretly hoping it is, but these days were not my best days.
I'm haunted.
Funny enough because the one who's dead was me, so, what? Did I haunt myself? I don't know. Don't ask me. I don't know. This time I don't know how to turn off the switch when I'm going bad. This time I can't even use Arashi as my happy pills. This time I'm fkd up. Delicious, mmm. Old friend.
Look at me. So emotional already. Am I even an INTJ? I'm 100% sure of my I N and J, but somehow my T is drunk most of the time that F takes over its place. What am I even talking about?
I gotta stop being an icehole to my beloved friends and accept life and move on from grief and strive the best version of myself and shake off the devils on my back and be fine and be decently functioned and alive. I know, life is fair because it's unfair to anybody, which is stupid because why wouldn't it choose to be fair to anybody and be eventually fair in pleasant way. Of course it's only came from a fainthearted loser like me who's so weak at handling life and constantly make up lies to balance things around. And God hates me. I don't deserve love, why do nice people keep giving me one when I can't even give them the same. Oh I hate you.
I'll probably delete this post in the morning if my T thinks it's way too cringey, I know.
I GOTTA MOVE ON FROM GRIEEEEEEEEEEFFFFFFF I NEED TO BE PROPERLY FUNCTIONED PLEASE LET ME LIVEEEEE
Half-alive,
L.
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