Why did I make this blog

Bodoh Tidak berharga Suka mencari perhatian

Okay so, I'd like to mark this moment of my life. (ihapasihsokserius) So, it's 1:51 AM on Friday, 15 December 2017. The year actually comes to an end that I couldn't believe it. It's not like this year is really something or 2018 will be something (idk tho).  But I'd like to put a mark, here, that 2017 has been a very I-can't-find-the-right-word year of my life. I'm 21 this year, and life has been hitting me so hard that I could barely handle it. Let's just say that 2017 is the WORST year of my current existence :)) I've felt great pain from a lot of things and those pain have constantly attacked me on the same place, and sometime on the same time, that I honestly truly completely seriously wish I could stop participating in life. I have failed on so many things. I have failed my future, my friendship, my love, my family, my dream, myself, myself, myself, I've failed me. (This is so alay but this is my cyber property so shush you!) ...

Still, I found my fingers intertwined in the messiest knots I've never tied before Still I heard the sound of the rain growing heavier outside these walls Still I noticed that the artificial red flowers on the table was quite dusty in interesting way Or those colors of candies in the jar have weirdly got me smiling Or the pile of tissues I did not touch along the session And I didn't mean to get distracted on purpose, no. It's just, I felt the sudden urge to clean my nails with my nails and then regret the fact that I cut my nails short last night, so I couldn't really clean anything really, but, I managed to dig deeper It was before I saw her watching me across the table, waiting. Oh I wish I told her that I am originally a master mind; planning is as natural as breathing for me Because it took me months to swallow my pride to finally sit here in this room Took me tons of courage to show a stranger the pus on my wound Took me forever to believe there is ...

Apado saranghanikka, chingu ya.

For the first time, instead of filling myself with Louisa Clark's gratefullness of having such man, or her slight grief, then her captivating freedom I...found my way to feel deeply upon How it is like to be in William Traynor's shoes. It could've been wonderful to watch the person you love, spread her wings But, You also tend to have this ability to be constantly reminded That you are dying of having broken wings That you are digging your own grave, not knowing any better way to go With sincerest smile and memories you wish to hold forever in your arms That you shut your eyes tightly so that the tears won't come down So that the fear of dying will fade behind your closed door.

And…I have this weird complicated thoughts upon  fate  I’m trying hard to fathom into constellation. Fate is somehow and always been mysterious and all. The concept of fate itself is so full of pros and cons. But I don’t talk religions here, even when I’m talking about God’s divine. I’m concerning about mine, and mine only bcs, well, this is my cyber property and I’m a self centered biatch, so, yeah. How does fate works? Can I map down its pattern? Is my fate what’s best for me? If it is, then it should’ve fulfilled my expectation bcs I’m the only one, aside from God, who knows what makes me happy. So, to find the possible answer, I have to find its pattern. And to find its pattern is to look upon my past bcs fate  worked  there. What was my fate then? Oh, let me give a simple example: I got into X school that allowed me to meet the best people I’ve ever encountered in my life. I didn’t really like the school before, and  expected  to get in to another...

I might add something later (or not) but for now, I'm just going to put it here safely.

I would make a good corpse. Pale face, sunken eyes; the origin of vampire myth And I ask myself what if when I lick my lips in search of love You just think in search of lust, or thirst Can’t you tell that the only thing I am thirsty for is solace I am the girl with sunken eyes Who has seen too much, but can never die And I keep hearing the phrase ‘handle it’. Don’t you know that the word ‘handle’ twists knots in my stomach Instead of opening doors, it shuts them. Tight. Lock it. Don’t let the thunder erupts from behind the door Can’t let anybody see that there is a storm Handle it. Why does this phrase make me twitch? How many handles could the door possibly come with? Each new incident jiggles it a bit The world can’t seem to quit, so Maybe I’ll give it a peek Make them think that behind this door is Narnia It’s  magic . Little do they know, War is coming. Behind this handle Lie frozen tears that tore away the earth hur...

don't click here just look at the nice picture up there It's almost four in the morning so please don't judge my shaky voice or the stuttered line I nervously recited within the last seconds. kthxbye.

This is how I fell in love with the guy with greenish brown orbs you would hardly recognize. Because most of time they were hidden behind the bigger lens he loves the most For he carries it anywhere he goes He said, "I'd like to not missing the moments" As I did not anticipate that I would become one of those moments he captured This is how I fell in love with the guy with an awkward sweet smile you would easily fall for. Instead, I found my self frowning on how toothy it was Which reminds me of someone's smile Someone I didn't quite know Until he pointed out his long finger and remarked, "Look! it's yours, right?" This is how I fell in love with the guy with that trembling voice I would never forget. Black woods, night dew, flickering fireflies upon us alone in the dark but, As he said those three little words I'm sure the technicolor sparks erupt within "Your hands are cold," I heard myself replied, dumbly...

“Is marriage a must?” I turn my head up to Hailee who is sitting on her bed. I am on the floor; coloring a turtle on my brand new coloring book, while, next to me, Brooke is searching for the right song on her phone to be played. “Hmm, I know what this is all about.” I hear Brooke answers. “Really? What is it?” Since I have the lowest GPA in the room, it is all that I can say. “I mean can I just spend my life with learning?” Hailee shoots. I couldn’t be more agree on that so I turn to Brooke. “We all will through the same phase of loathing the idea of marriage. I used to think about that too in my high school era.” she replies. “So do you think I am in the phase?” Hailee asks. “A good friend once said, marriage makes your religion perfect,” “Well, if this is what God wants, then okay” I nod my head along with Hailee. “It’s just, I can’t stand the idea of devoting my life to someone.” Hailee shoots again. I heavily nod my head again I feel like it is going to dislodg...

“Hoi, lagi apa?” kamu menepuk bahuku seraya beringsut duduk di karpet tepat di sebelahku. Seperti biasa, cengiran kekanak-kanakanmu mengundang orang di sekitarmu ikut tersenyum juga. Aku heran bagaimana bisa kamu menciptakan jenis cengiran seperti itu.  Matamu beralih pada layar netbook yang sedaritadi kutekuni. “Tumben nggak nonton anime?” “ Kuroko udah tamat sih. Kamu sendiri tumben main ke rumah? Satria ada kemah noh di sekolahnya, teman main ps kamu lagi nggak di rumah.” “Emang kalo aku ke rumah kamu kepentingannya cuma main ps? Lagian kan aku lagi kepingin ketemu kakaknya Sat, bukan dianya” kamu mencoba tersenyum genit tapi malah meledak menjadi tawa. Aku mencibir. “Kalo mau gombalin orang tuh training tahan ketawa duluu, oneng.” “Yeee kayak kamu bakal kepengaruh aja kalo digombalin yang beneran. Kamu kan cewek berhati es batu” lagi-lagi kamu tetawa terpingkal-pingkal, aku mendengus sambil kembali menekuni layar netbook ku. Kamu memiringka...

Sorry I feel like I do really really HAVE to share this one somewhere within my cyber property.

“Baik-baik saja?” Aku mengangkat kepalaku dari bantalan nyaman yang komposisinya terdiri dari lengan-lenganku sendiri dibalut dengan sweater hasil curian di kamar August pagi ini. Suara Mr. Tanner masih terdengar di depan kelas; sedang menerangkan teori reaksi sederhana polimerisasi dari polietilena blahdiddyblergh— aku tidak kuasa lagi mendengarnya. Fantasi harian super menyedihkan soal Jeremy, kimia dasar yang benar-benar tidak dasar , terik sinar matahari pagi serta banyak hal lain sudah menyita kesehatan saraf kepalaku yang memang sedari awal sudah abnormal. Singkatnya, migrain ini mengganggu sekali bahkan untuk ukuran manusia penuh ketidakpedulian sepertiku. Maksudku, kalau kepalaku saja enggan berpartisipasi dalam sistem bernama kehidupan hari ini, bagaimana bisa aku melakukannya? Jadi saat aku mendapati wajah Harry Greenwood  ketika aku mendongak, kabel-kabel dalam kepalaku yang sedang migrain sama sekali tidak membantu. Aku bertanya-tanya, melongo, sekaligus menyipitkan...

The Monster no longer lives underneath the bed for it has crept its glory living within my skin.

Dear, future thesis topic Please crawl onto the bed of my intoxicated mind attic Sincerely, panic.

I liked you too, so much. I wrote you poems too, constantly. But it is past tense, and I am not sorry. Love always, H.A. P.S: I still like the fact that our initials are coincidentally alike.

You don't when they actually don't have to pretend that when yours are our fingers are trembling locked while mine are perfectly. ..incarcerated